One year ago I embarked on this journey...not quite sure where it would take me. 
You see, I've tried this journey before. Tried and failed. Miserably failed. Not this time though! As of today, I am a smaller (and mostly) happier me. Ben and Jerry are no longer my bffs.
As a matter of fact, they have been tried for treason and executed! Because if the truth be known, they were NOT good company. My problems, stresses and frustrations did not magically go away when they were around, and heck...they couldn't even throw a decent party to celebrate...and I was left alone...chewing the fat...so to speak. I have decided that I am good company! I. Me. I like myself. That a walk or a bike ride or chatting with a "real" friend was so much better for my soul! I watched Extreme Make Over this week for the first time and my heart broke. That could have been me! I was closer than I care to EVER admit! I had really given up on me. On life. It was just too hard. My health was really being affected. I HURT all the time. I wasn't sleeping well. I had to have the bed propped up because of health problems. My blood pressure was sky high. I was borderline diabetic. I was beginning to not like to go anywhere. I just wanted to be at home - alone. Life felt like it was closing in around me as I was becoming larger and larger and my world was becoming smaller and smaller. And yet, my family was growing and I actually had more and more blessings in my life...if I could only recognize them!
You see, I've tried this journey before. Tried and failed. Miserably failed. Not this time though! As of today, I am a smaller (and mostly) happier me. Ben and Jerry are no longer my bffs.
As a matter of fact, they have been tried for treason and executed! Because if the truth be known, they were NOT good company. My problems, stresses and frustrations did not magically go away when they were around, and heck...they couldn't even throw a decent party to celebrate...and I was left alone...chewing the fat...so to speak. I have decided that I am good company! I. Me. I like myself. That a walk or a bike ride or chatting with a "real" friend was so much better for my soul! I watched Extreme Make Over this week for the first time and my heart broke. That could have been me! I was closer than I care to EVER admit! I had really given up on me. On life. It was just too hard. My health was really being affected. I HURT all the time. I wasn't sleeping well. I had to have the bed propped up because of health problems. My blood pressure was sky high. I was borderline diabetic. I was beginning to not like to go anywhere. I just wanted to be at home - alone. Life felt like it was closing in around me as I was becoming larger and larger and my world was becoming smaller and smaller. And yet, my family was growing and I actually had more and more blessings in my life...if I could only recognize them! I considered several paths to take on this journey.
I wanted the easiest path. What I have discovered in my search is that all of them are difficult. But that is life...the path of least resistance is what got me to where I was one year ago. Albert Einstein defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Yeah...that was me!
I would make temporary changes and then go back to old habits. You know - the path of least resistance. I am starting another path for myself. Opening up. It has been awhile in coming. I started this blog for me and shared with a few people. Others have found it and I have occasionally given the address to "inquiring minds" in hopes to help them on their difficult journeys....whatever form they take. So now I bare my soul (the healthy one still trying to get out) in order to help myself too. An accountability of sorts. A shout to the world. I only told my family (meaning hubby and children) and 2 of my 3 closest colleagues of this journey...for me it has been my private hell. I have never actually said some of these thoughts and feelings out loud - or even to myself in many ways. DENIAL I believe is the term! (And as I read back over this I find that my private hell was very public - irony - gotta love it!) Now my world is opening up to me again and I feel like I am actually "living" life not just amongst the living. I am doing things that I never believed I would do or could do and I am loving life. I would like to tell you that these changes made my life all that I ever hoped and dreamed of...but guess what. It hasn't. Life still has hard things. I still have problems, stresses and frustrations. But I also have a confidence to face those difficulties, feel those feelings and come off the conqueror. This is life. But I no longer feel the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
I wanted the easiest path. What I have discovered in my search is that all of them are difficult. But that is life...the path of least resistance is what got me to where I was one year ago. Albert Einstein defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Yeah...that was me!
I would make temporary changes and then go back to old habits. You know - the path of least resistance. I am starting another path for myself. Opening up. It has been awhile in coming. I started this blog for me and shared with a few people. Others have found it and I have occasionally given the address to "inquiring minds" in hopes to help them on their difficult journeys....whatever form they take. So now I bare my soul (the healthy one still trying to get out) in order to help myself too. An accountability of sorts. A shout to the world. I only told my family (meaning hubby and children) and 2 of my 3 closest colleagues of this journey...for me it has been my private hell. I have never actually said some of these thoughts and feelings out loud - or even to myself in many ways. DENIAL I believe is the term! (And as I read back over this I find that my private hell was very public - irony - gotta love it!) Now my world is opening up to me again and I feel like I am actually "living" life not just amongst the living. I am doing things that I never believed I would do or could do and I am loving life. I would like to tell you that these changes made my life all that I ever hoped and dreamed of...but guess what. It hasn't. Life still has hard things. I still have problems, stresses and frustrations. But I also have a confidence to face those difficulties, feel those feelings and come off the conqueror. This is life. But I no longer feel the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
So I bare my soul - the healthier version of me - in order to insure those different results. I have had "fat" thoughts and habits for so long that I thought they were normal. I see now - they weren't. No I did not eat 1 dozen eggs and a pound of bacon for breakfast - EVER , but I did do things that healthy people don't! And I will continue to write about them and explore them though this medium as a commitment to myself (the healthy one working so hard to get out) so that when that goal is reached we can walk hand in hand through life and enjoy the journey as we find ourself.
If you want to know exactly what I did - please ask me! I would love to tell you. I would love to be your buddy because I know this is a hard journey...and it's always nice to have a friend along...just NOT Ben and Jerry!
I FEEL your struggle all to well... as you know... I am so glad for you to find the beautiful YOU everyone else always knew was there.
ReplyDeleteI am still struggling with MY battle... since moving home I am the heaviest I have been in 8 years and it terrifies me. All the inner demons I thought long gone were all hiding there just under the surface... and I continue to battle them daily. My you continue with courage and never stop... accept the ups and downs and embrace the fullness of life... You are and always Have been beautiful... now the outward self shines as bright as the soul
YOU. LOOK. SO. FANTASTIC! You are an amazing woman, Sister Bockholt.
ReplyDeleteI want to know how you did it! You look awesome!
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you Kim!!!!! You look awesome!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou look Great.... U also look much happier... So now it's the new you, What are you going to do with your new life???? I am sooooooooooo impressed with you. Congrats to the new YOU !!!!
ReplyDeleteCindy Martin
Wow! I did not know you were working so hard on this! What an awesome accomplishment! I would love to know how you did it. You should be very proud of yourself. It is a constant battle for everybody who loves yummy food and is overweight, but wants to change it. And I think you rocked it this year sista!
ReplyDelete